I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
