The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Randomize
