I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
fuck your aforementioned shoe
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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