Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Randomize
