Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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