Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize
