The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
