So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize