I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
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