Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
my shit smells like andre
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
