3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Found the puke drawer
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Randomize
