This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize