I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Randomize
