In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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