Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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