I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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