it's like iHOP with fire
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize