now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize