Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Randomize
