I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Randomize
