I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Randomize
