Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
That reminds me...we need to get swords
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
