if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Randomize