Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
her vagine was all disorganized.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Randomize