I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
