You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
