Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Randomize
