I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
