Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
