i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
