so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
