Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
we made out on top of his cat.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
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