How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
