You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Randomize
