i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
