Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
Any of you guys fuck a 16 year old again? Because our front yard got fucked over high school style.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Randomize
