turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Randomize
