He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Randomize
