Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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