I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Randomize
