whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
