I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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