I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I FOUND THE LEGS
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Randomize
