totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
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