i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize
