I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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