u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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