Do you still have your period?
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Boobs are out for the taking
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
