Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
