Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
