Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize