I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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